Depression can be a very scary thing. Many women like to keep it private. I haven't told many outsiders about my journey with depression, but I'm no longer ashamed of it.
It all started after I had my daughter in January 2004. I thought everything was great. But then, I started to lose patience very quickly when she would cry. I was very moody. I didn't enjoy being a mother as much as I thought I should.
My ex husband was not very helpful. He thought I was just being moody even though I exhibited every symptom under the moon and then some for postpartum depression. It was left untreated and predictably got worse.
I got pregnant with my youngest in the fall of 2004. During my pregnancy, my hormones actually seemed to level out and I was feeling back to normal. I was enjoying my daughter and enjoying my pregnancy.
After I had my son in 2005, it seemed like everything fell apart. I was worlds worse than when I had my daughter. I cried all of the time. I was very up and down in my moods. I was very unhappy. Now I had two babies that I loved to the ends of the earth but it was hard to be around them. A mother's worse nightmare. My ex was no help at all. I was crying out for help and he was too self absorbed to see that I needed it.
2006 was one of the worse years. I was far away from home and the people that I loved. I was struggling to keep my head above water and raise the babies the best that I could. Meanwhile, my ex was stepping out on me and cheated on me twice. Needless to say, this was not very good for what I was going through. I had put all of my plans for the future (med school, etc..) aside so that he could continue his schooling in Chicago and that's where I landed.
I couldn't take it any longer and we separated around Thanksgiving 2006. I actually felt better during that time. I filed for divorce in Feb of 2007 and it was final in March of 2007.
I moved down to FL in May of 2007 to be closer to my mom. In Nov of 2007, I found that I had cervical cancer courtesy of the HPV that my ex had brought him on his adventures. This was probably my tipping point and I was being a horrible mother. I would never hurt my children, but I was yelling at them, giving them spankings out of anger sometimes, closing up inside of myself.
Finally at my annual appointment in fall of 2007, I told my gyno that I needed help. She sent an immediate rush to a psych and I was put on meds. I've been on Cymbalta since then along with a myriad of other drugs.
In 2008, I met my soul mate and he has been here for me more than I could ever have hoped for. He has kept me grounded and helped me through hard times. We've gone through hard times together.
Fast forward to 2011 and we want to have a little one of our own. I went off my anti depressants on 1/16/2011. But the beginning of that journey will be for another post.
